Let’s face it. We’re a bunch of people who want to do life well. So whether it’s dating or marriage or college or kid-raising, we could all use a few pointers, including especially myself.
My friend Jared from church was teaching during the Sunday night dating, sex, love series entitled, Naked Truth, and needed someone to share their testimony or story about being single and surviving. To my [non]surprise, he couldn’t find anyone to talk about the subject with authority. [I mean really, who wants to get labeled the 40 year-old virgin and stand in front of 500 people admitting they are waiting for God’s best?]
That’s where I come in!
Around the age of 25 when most Hispanic women are already married off with children, I was in graduate school. I was serving in full-time ministry in an unpaid position in youth ministry, when most people were encouraging me to find a singles group. And I was consciously aware that I could end up a BitterBetty because most single women I spoke to complained incessantly about the lack of spiritual leaders in the church.
I had to decision to make.
- I could sit on my spiritual laurels and wish, hope, and pray for Prince Charming to read me Songs of Solomon and refer to me as bone of my bone.
- I could put my head down, do some work, and keep my eyes open for a Godly man who is doing the same.
Some of the best memories and moments in life were not on the arm of a man, but reaching for the hand of the One hand who knew me far greater than anyone else. Of course looking back on my singleness is easier than being in it, but I will say perspective changed my attitude.
Contrary to popular belief, there are worse things than not being married. Like being married to the wrong person. Or having a sixth toe. Both are tragic.
For those who are married or in dating relationships, here are some things you can do to be supportive in all seasons:
- If someone tells you they just broke up or are single, don’t wince, sigh, and say, I’ll pray for you. They don’t have a terminal disease, for crying out loud?! Instead, open your house or your calendar to make time to spend with them.
- ThreeDogNight said it best, One is the loneliness number that you’ll ever hear. If you have a single friend, be available. I know, I know, it’s hard to make time. But do it.
- If you’re single, mingle. Don’t be a hermit or spend another night watching FRIENDS with Ben and Jerry. Get out! Meet people! Have fun! Use exclamation marks!
- If you’re single, maybe it’s for a reason. Are your expectations too high? Are you mean? Are you bitter? Do you smell? Ask a married friend to be honest with you and trust them to tell you where you need to change. [Yes, ask a married person. If you ask your single friend if your expectations are too high and she says no, maybe that’s why you’re both single. Jasmine always kept it real with me, You’re single because you cRaZy!]
That’s my two cents for what it’s worth. If you’re single, what’s you reason? If you’re married, what advice can you give to those in a party of one?
Stubbornness. And a whole bag of other excuses.
Woo! This couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m single because I know God has told me that for this time in my life I’m His and no one else’s. This is a season in my life where I need to keep my eyes on Christ and share my all with Him before I share it with anybody else. Love you, B!
I’m not really sure why I’m still single. Maybe expectations too high, but really all I want is a man who loves Jesus. Maybe it’s living in the middle of nowhere with only about 5,000 other people. Maybe I’m too awesome. I’m going to go with that. 😉
Hahahhahaha! I love it. I snorted reading your last line. Awesome.
I turned 32 just 10 days before I walked down the aisle. And I was almost 31 when I met that man I walked down the aisle to. So I’m right there with you! Singleness and I (as Jasmine would say) were frenemies. When my focus was on God and what He had in front of me, I was able to handle things better. It wasn’t always sunshine and roses, but at least on bad/hard days, I could talk openly with Him about it. I also knew that since I didn’t have a family to care for, that I had a lot of freedom that I wouldn’t have otherwise… so I helped out when and where I could with baby sitting for friends or helping out at church (can’t do that as much now). And I traveled! I could pick up and go see a friend in another city on a whim without checking with anyone! But, my best advice (as hard as it is sometimes), is to not wallow in your singleness. I did that one too many times… ok, WAY too many times! Try and enjoy the season of life God has you in. And PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE know that if you’re waiting on the right man, it WILL be worth it. I promise!!
I needed to hear that – thank you Sabrina
Love this post! I, too, spent a good chunk of my life single. My first kiss was at 24 years old and I didn’t start dating until the year after. We lasted 4 whole months. I guess, for me, the most important thing as a single person is being comfortable in your own skin. I am in a relationship now with a wonderful guy and, while my mother constantly reminds me that my eggs are drying up, I wouldn’t trade the experiences I’ve had for anything. I’ve been able to travel extensively and see and experience things that most people don’t in a lifetime. Use the time of singleness to learn and grow and do the things you want to do. 🙂 I wrote a blog post on Valentine’s day sort of on this topic, as an encouragement to those (especially the ladies) who get discouraged and wonder if Mr. Right (for them) is out there. 🙂 You can read that post….here…http://noeyehasseen.com/blog/a-valentines-day-note/
My advice for single folks….DO NOT, under any circumstances, be unequally yoked. It’s not worth it! I settled in my first marriage, I KNEW better and I am still reaping to that compromise. I have a 17 year old that is SO deep in the world it’s scary. :/. We are a made of body, soul and spirit. You will only rip yourself off if you settle for someone who doesn’t love the Lord. Wait on Him. Whether it be weeks and years. Wait on Him.
I’m a 38 year old divorced Man with children and a good job and I am responsible however I want to remain single for the reasons below.
1 Corinthians 7:7-8-For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that. But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am;
1 Corinthians 7:27-Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed. Are you loosed from a wife? Do not seek a wife.
1 Cornithians-7;32-33-But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord how he may please the Lord. But he who is married cares about the things of the world–how he may please his wife.
1 Corinthians 7:24-Brethren, let each one remain with God in that state in which he was called.
1 Corinthians7:38-So then he who gives her in marriage does well, but he who does not give her in marriage does better.
Your thoughts seem to echo my own. I think God is teaching me to be content whatever my circumstances. In the past I’ve made idols out of relationships. I’m learning what it means to allow God to fill my heart and be my everything. I am so grateful for the lessons I am learning during my singleness.
I wrote this post about singleness and relying on God last year: http://thesemountainsaremine.blogspot.com/2011/09/guest-post-heatherlydee.html
Do you think I have issues? 🙂
And I thought you weren’t blogging in Spain!
hmm, i’m engaged? so technically i’m not single or married. but i was completely single until i was 23… which felt a lot like 40 (am i right?!). as in, had never had a boyfriend, date to a dance, anything really.
i think back then i was single because:
1) i had high(ish) standards… i wanted someone who loved the Lord and who loved to laugh
2) i had low self-esteem… i was a fun person who loved life, but man, low self-confidence can be such a turn off!
3) i was a black girl in a school that was mostly white and interracial dating was not really a thing at my school. well, not for black females. good looking black males, well they had girls of all colors dating them. but white dudes never seemed to go for the black ladies.
now, looking back, i can see that the Lord protected me from myself. i was so desperate to have someone say that i was wanted and sexy, that if i had ever dated anyone, who knows how many wrong choices i would have made? i was easily peer-pressured in my younger days (i’m 27 now, lol).
Thank you so much for this, Bianca. My younger sister got married last year and my twin sister is getting married next month, while I remain (so it seems) terminally single. I know what it’s like dating the spawn of Satan and also sitting alone begging God to deliver me from the cavernous ache of loneliness. But you’re so right, we do have a choice. Like the song by John Waller says “I will serve You while I’m waiting.” Thank you again. God bless you!
My thoughts are “don’t force it.” Not to sound cliche but I think in the Christian world we tend to bring a huge list of expectations on finding “thee one” and can sometimes get more focused on the search than the person. With that said I’ve been out of the game for over 11 years now so I could be way off! 🙂 haha
PS…Totally sorry you had to date satan, and for 3 years, awful!
I have a question for any of the married people who would like to answer. Did you have any non-negotiable standards before you were married to your spouse? like rules and boundaries that you and your boyfriend/girlfriend at the time agreed on and stood by until married?… If so, can you share, and is there something called having TOO high of standards or unrealistic rules, boundaries, etc?
Well my boyfriend and I broke up end of January this year. There were a lot of factors to why we broke up. Pretty much we started off the wrong way. We were friends, then best friends, and finally got together. This was my first “real” relationship, and my morals were messed up. I grew up Catholic, he is Christian… pretty much the same morals, but we were not living it out. We were unequally yoked (catholic and christian) but I became born again later on. But even during that, we were unequally yoked. I felt like I was trying to keep up with him. I was trying to build my strong relationship with the Lord, and he was pretty much stagnant. We continued doing things that we shouldn’t. We had one foot in the world and one foot in the Lord in different ways. Add mistrust and pain into the picture, we got an ugly picture.
Even us not being together, we are continuing to see each other, and he is still not fully desiring to have a strong walk with the Lord. He says he does, but we end up doing the same old thing. Endless cycle. I don’t and I can’t tell you the entire thing or else it would be redundant.
I am very sad that we are not together, but do see that for now or maybe forever this is not a relationship I should be in. There is a reason why God called us out of it, and I have to obey < which has been really difficult. I'm just praying that my ex would return to the Lord. And I'm praying that I would just stop idolizing him and having spiritual ties with him. I expected too much from him because he is the one who introduced me to the church and because of past pain.
Too depressing to talk about this anymore. haha but thank you for the post. I love the way you write, your humor, everything! I can't stop laughing at your little add libs. you take the stress away from the things that i worry about the most. so thank you! and i feel like such a stalker. ive liked your fb page, follow you on twitter and i read your blog. you got me hooked, bianca! be safe on your trip
@yoline
I am not married but I do have rules and boundaries with my boyfriend, and everyone should! In rules, everything I expect of him I expect of myself. I want him to work and study, and I do the same. He goes to church with me, and enjoys it, even though he is not as serious about it as I am. As in boundaries, well, I want to stay pure until I get married, so we don’t do anything that would put us in a compromising position.
hehe…I used to think I was single because I wasn’t pretty as my sister (the guys always overlooked me) but now I don’t know. Just two years ago that point was disproved. I want to be single for now because I believe God is going to lead me to the guy and I have the horrible tendency of putting God aside whenever it comes to relationships. For now, I will sit with my Lord, grow in Him so that when the time comes for me to get married I will be mature enough not to push God aside but keep Him in the center. Its hard at times, since many of my peers are getting married, but I’d rather wait than make a mistake. Thanks B for your post and all the married people out there who have bestowed wisdom here! 😀
[subtle nag] I think post proves your second book should be about singleness – I can’t think of anyone better to write it. [end subtle nag]
I second the book on singleness B. somehow I know it would be hilarious, encouraging, and enlightening! Women need to hear these things shouted from the rooftops!!!!
Calling the guy you dated the Spawn of Satan is pretty harsh don’t you think? Maybe you should pray for him, remember we are made in the image of God not image of Satan
dear married best friend… why am i single??! lord knows it’s not because i’m not fabulous–or lack self esteem. haha
Bianca, don’t forget the next words to Three Dog Night’s “One”:
“Two can be as bad as one
It’s the loneliest number since the number one”
I’m single and enjoy it most of the time. I would enjoy meeting someone (female) who I could invite to go with me to dinner, a show, etc., but am cautious that they may think, “finally, maybe he’s the one.”
Also, if coffee tasted like it smells, I might be a “coffee-dater.” It doesn’t, I’m not.
As someone who was equally as scared as you of being thought of as “the one” if you lead with a casual outing, the expectations are set. You will always run into the possibility of someone thinking they are your Proverbs 31 wife reincarnate, but draw healthy boundaries and you should be fine.
Risky living leads to great rewards 🙂
Love it!
Posted it for all the single ladies on our HDC Women’s Ministries Facebook!
😀
Well…I am that 40 year old virgin and nothing in the world would have made me get on that stage. LOLOL!
Remaining optimistic has been hard. Especially once I hit 40 and was still single and no signs of anything changing in the near future(although I know God loves to work suddenly).
I think for me the hardest thing to accept is that I was/am that faithful single who focused on her purpose and pursuing God. I was never the one to complain about singleness or spend my every waking hour planning my wedding. I even started my own business which I believe is part of my calling. So, I’ve tried to keep my head down, stay focused and hope that I would cross paths with a like-minded man one day.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m no “saint” and I’ve had my “lonely” moments. And have come close to making a bad mistake in choosing a mate. Thank God he spared me.
But here I am…40 and still single. I know, I know. The statistics say “we” are getting married later in life so I should find some comfort in that but I don’t. And quite frankly, my faith is a little shaken. I used to say “when” I get married and have kids. Now I find myself saying “IF” I get married and have kids far too often.
Sorry if I sound pessimistic, just trying to be honest. Not trying to discourage anyone. I tend to internalize things so it feels good to get it out.
BTW…Bianca if I can add to your list: Married people: When your single friends lament about being single, don’t tell them to think of all the “free time” they still have. And how they can do whatever they want to do. These are true but is that the best reason you can come up with for being single?