At 24 years old, I was unemployed with a degree from a reputable college, living with my parents, and utterly single. Cleaning offices, baby sitting, or working random editing jobs was how I made ends meet while stiff-arming Sallie Mae from collecting my college loan payments. TIME magazine came out a revealing a new study about 18 to 30 year-olds who were emerging in society ill-equipped and unemployed during the time I lived rent-free under my parents roof.
I was sitting on my mother’s couch in my father’s house eating food they paid for while reading a magazine subscription that wasn’t mine. As the report droned on about the lack of integrity of the next generation entering society, I laid on the couch, dropped the magazine over my face, and cried out, I’M A LOSER!
But let’s take a look at how culture has shifted in the past 50 years:
- We put a man on the moon
- Women stopped wearing bras and broke glass ceilings
- Contraceptives were created
- The US economy has plummeted to depth only seen during the historical Depression (effecting the entire global economy)
- Al Gore invented the Internet! (I kid, I kid)
It’s important to note these factors. As insignificant as one may seem, collaboratively it shapes our entire outlook on self, goals, ambition, and assurity.
I’m watching a lot of my friends get married and I’m still here. The same place I was when I graduated high school 4 years ago. And the “men” I meet at my church seriously need a good punch in the gut to become Godly purposeful driven men (in my humble opinion). —Ally
1. We’re getting married later in life
This is quite possibly the most important factor facing the emerging adult. 50 years ago, the average age women married was 20, and men married around 22. In 2011, the average marrying age is 26-28—and it’s still rising! This is important to note because marriage directly affects the identity formation of emerging adults. Marriage in the past has been a clear indicator of adulthood and created a natural shift in the parent-child relationship.
According to Dr. Arnett (as sited yesterday), getting married at a young age used to provide people with committed partners to help them navigate through life. The doctor notes, “Today, emerging adults don’t have this kind of partnership; instead they rely more on their parents.” HELLO?! THIS WAS ME!
Maybe it was my fear of commitment or lack of suitors, but I didn’t get married until I was 30. When I moved in with Matt, I sat on my bed and cried because I officially became an adult. It was a mixed cry of Oh-My-Gosh-I’m-Old and Oh-My-Gosh-I-Have-To-Pay-Rent.
2. Sexuality has emerged differently
Back in the day, if you wanted to have sex, you had to put a ring on it. [No, Beyonce didn’t make that up.] Sex was the sign of maturity, responsibility, and marital commitment. Now it leans more to personal enjoyment and individual freedom.
Culturally we are creating Peter Pans and Gloria Stienems who don’t want to grow up, but have license to do whatever they want under the guise of liberty.
3. More education
Is all the school really worth it? —Maggie, blog reader
While sitting on my parents couch, crying about being a loser, I decided I was going to graduate school. Even with an impressive resume and 3.84 collegiate grade point average, I couldn’t find a job. So I went to grad school to 1. delay growing up, 2. delay Sallie Mae from collecting loan payments.
The demand for jobs is increasingly competitive. 75% of college students graduate without a job lined up. So, like me, they jump on board the grad school bus for another 2-4 years of education, thus effecting point #1 and point #2. This has totally played into the cultural perspective of emerging adults and fears about growing up, settling down, and being responsible for more than just taking out the trash.
The last and final installment of this series will address the perennial question: What Do We Do Now? Instead of bullet-points and life-planning, I’ll be doing a vlog and short commentary on relationships and responsibility, twin virtues needed in the transition into adulthood.
If you fall into any of these categories, have stories to share, or questions to ask, feel free to speak now or forever hold your peace. 🙂
“In 2011, the average marrying age is 26-28” am I the only single 30+ person who read that sentence and cried?!
Other than that – great post Bianca! Looking forward to tomorrow
This is me to a T!
Don’t worry I’m 33 and single (albeit divorced).
More education was not worth it to me with an uncompleted liberal arts masters. I’m the long run it was a good experience, but not as valuable as my friends who went to med, pharm, or dental school.
I have to be honest, my parents are not saved or Godly. There is and was a lot of chaos in their home and still now. Sometimes I wonder if I would have had more confidence in myself if i had been raised by parents who had a strong relationship with God. I don’t use this as an excuse, but its something I think about.
PERFECT timing!
I was just sitting at my work desk thinking about how I’m 25, living at home with my parents and very expensive, sallie mae owned, social work degree with all of these large dreams I’m not sure how to give any roots to.
I am 22. Single. About to graduate college. I am who you are taking about. I don’t have a job lined up (though I am on the constant search for one) and my condo is paid for by my parents. Graduate school seems like a good idea but is out of the question and the jobs I am looking at are contract based for two years. I know God has a plan. I just quit my full time job as a missionary, because He led me out of it. Though being at this stage in your life is scary it’s wonderful because one is like a gypsy, waiting for God to direct the next move… There is so much freedom in it, and I think with that freedom there is no need for fear but rejoicing.
Jenny, I’m so proud of you. Quitting is the hardest thing to do, but if you feel God is directing your path, DO IT. Thanks for your perspective! 🙂
I moved out and refuse to move back in. I don’t want to be a part of the “Boomerang” Generation that is oh too common these days. So my solution, finish school with a degree I have no idea what I’ll do with and wait for marriage. Go to school full time and work full time. BUT I’m stuck at being convicted about getting loans for school, after taking a Christian financial class. So how will I do it? I’m stuck. I can’t finish school unless I win the lottery. I should just become a missionary and move to another country. (which is what I’ve always wanted to do, but am afraid of going against the flow and failing and falling behind the flow.)
-Secret Pansy
SP,
I don’t like getting all preachy preachy, but a few things:
1. Own who you are and where you’re at. If you want to remain anonymous, do your thang! But don’t be stuck where you’re at. Check out Jennie Allen’s new book, “Stuck” and “Anything”! They are great books I’d recommend. http://jennieallen.com/
2. Financial responsibility is SO important. But I also recognize that I could’ve never had completed college without loans. Loans aren’t the devil. Frivolous debt is 😉
3. Don’t use missions as escapism. You will be in the middle of the jungle wondering why God abandoned you, but it’s actually our will whispering in our ear to flee, leave, and vacate our lives. I wrote a blog about this: http://biancaolthoff.com/archives/3133
4. I’m praying for you. Right now.
Walk boldly. Be humble. Trust God. Do hard things.
30 single. Waiting and praying
How about I moved into my parents’ basement on my THIRTIETH BIRTHDAY, after having graduated from law school?! I was cranky that day, to say the least. 😉 (Things got better about six months later. I was blessed with a job and moved out. But, oh, that time in the basement was such a low point in my life.)
Hahahaha! I love it!!! Thanks for sharing 🙂 And congrats on the job!
I’m 24 and working backwards (sort of). I have a full-time job, but am giving it up to transfer to HIU this Fall & get an education so I can work with kids:) I’ll finally be moving out of my parents house, but going to school…I know, I know…I love telling people I’m getting ready to move for college & watching the puzzled look when they find out I’m 24, not 18. ha
Loved this post!! {and, really, thank the sweet lord for mama and daddy!}
I thank God I was able to enter my profession’s field even before I graduate. I am very blessed. BUT I do relate in other things you guys have said.
We are just soooo overwhelmed with the expectations that our: parents/church peeps/family/random people/ and ourselves have created based on society’s standards and NOT Gods!!!!
Sooooo..Im happy you are talking about this…and for all those girls that are there right now, you know what? Although our professions, relationships and all these things that we encounter in our 20s ARE in fact important, we CANNOT feel sorry for ourselves…that only brings depression and negativism…we have to look for out purpose according to God you know?
We must focus in accomplishing God’s dream in my life.
BTW….. random question for you Bianca..
One of these days I heard something I have been trying to put in a sentence for a long time now..lol…and it is about marriage. When people ask why we are single I think, in my case, the best answer is:
I will only get married if being with that person will increase the changes to do more for the kingdom!!! Yay!!
Is that your experience girl? Are you able to do more for God now that you are married or you have stopped doing things that you were able to do when single?
I’m 34…divorced and a single mom of two…i have a secure job (as secure as it can get) but struggle with the desire of going back to finish my graduate degree. Specially now with my baby boy having Autism…I really, really want to go back even more to work in the field that I have been desiring since I graduated with a BA.
I am now contemplating moving back in with my parents to pursue this and not pay so much rent. Though the thought of moving back in and living with rules and regulations sort of has me spooked. ha! great post!!!
Thanks for your blog posts. Really struggling right now. Still single and feeling like I’ll always be alone….. Trying to trust HIM and HIS promises.
I am 30+ and counting…and a long way from grad school (decided to get married and become a starving artist instead.) I think your perspective on this stage that many find themselves in right now, will be freeing to those who still feel like society’s dogma hits them over the head every morning.
The days of go to school, go to more school, and get a J.O.B. is over and its time that we let the “others” in on that fact. It is okay, if you have or are striving for a definite aim in life, to find yourself in a moment of suspense—Even though it seems like everyone and everything around us is moving at the speed of light, while we are sitting on the sidelines watching. YOUR TIME WILL COME AND OPPORTUNITY WILL BE REVEALED.
I wasted 10 years of my life complaining about not working in my field, not finishing grad school,and not doing this the “right way” only to find myself at 30+ and counting…thanking God for the journey I chose.
Things always works out for our good in the end. If it hasn’t worked out—its not the end.
Sorry for the guess blog Bianca 🙂
I really connected with this one…can’t wait for the Vlog~
Keep inspiring!
I am a year from graduating college and relate to you SO much. Like I’m sure everyone else does. I’m scared of being single. I’m scared of not having a job and I’m scared of not having it all together. But reading your posts really encourages and reminds me of WHO I belong to. I don’t belong to my fears, I belong to my Father.
And sometimes you just have to be okay with not being okay.
Thanks for that reminder 🙂 You seriously ROCK!
I’m 38 years old, I’m gainfully employed thanks be to God. I’m also Single and I absolutely love it!!!
I got my first apt. at age 27. It was the first time i was out on my own and i was single. I got an awesome job but i did not complete college (i do regret that). When i was 29, i moved back home because i was in so much credit card debt. Now i see and appreciate that living with mom and dad in my twenties was really a blessing! Not too many of my friends have both parents (especially Godly praying parents).
Got married at 31 and almost going on 7 years and marriage is another long paragraph. I can say i have called out to God and he has never failed me.
In the years since I entered adulthood, I too, have noticed the shift toward able-bodied people in their mid twenties (and beyond) living with their parents, with no job and no job skills. It puzzles me, because my story is so different.
Before I share my story, I pose the question, how might you live your life differently if there was no backup support? If there was no family to live with, no friends to live with, no way to get financial aid to attend college, no college savings account, no job skills, no government welfare, no wealthy benefactors… what would you do? As a Christian, how would you survive and bring glory to the God?
What if the tools God gave you included just the clothes on your back and an able body and mind? Could you feed yourself? Could you educate yourself? Would you ever get ahead?
In high school, I was a good student and worked very hard, but in my late teens, I ended up basically homeless and with no way to get financial aid or loans for college. I was engaged to a Christian young man and we planned on entering the ministry together. Though our plan was to wait several years to get married, we got married at age 19. This solved two problems: me needing a place to live and also, no longer having to rely on parental tax information to get financial aid.
For many years, we were destitute. But God provided. He gave us good health and consistent employment. Granted, they weren’t great jobs, but in 16 years, I have been unemployed for only 3 weeks. We have washed cars, worked in parking garages, sold fertilizer, cleaned toilets, made coffee, worked graveyard security, worked the fry line at a stinky fast food joint… the list is long.
In college, I was jealous of the other young people that had supportive families, a paid-for college education, and jobs where they didn’t have to come home smelling like steer manure. During the boom years of the 1990s and 2000s, while everyone else was seemingly living the high life, we were eating frozen burritos and getting notices from the local water utilities that they were going to shut us off.
But those low-paying (and embarrassing) college jobs made me hungry for something better – something that I could be GOOD at, and something that actually paid real money, as opposed to lunch money.
But, during those years while we were busy washing cars and cleaning toilets, we did what we could to get ahead. We took advantage of every opportunity in front of us to learn and try to better our situation. We started a business, read computer books, and took classes at the local junior college. Eventually, I was able to finish my BA, massively in debt.
A year or so later, I found field that I was GOOD at… but it was not what I studied in college. So, since I had already graduated college with a worthless degree, I had to start over in a new field. (People with my major generally don’t get full time jobs, and rarely do they end up having careers.)
After college, over the next ten years, the companies I worked for kept going out of business. Again and again, I had to find a new job. It was so frustrating having all those years of instability. But I really believed that God was preparing us for something bigger. Something VERY important. Why else would He be giving us such big challenges? I remember thinking about how the Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years, and how my life was like that–just wandering in circles, trying to find my way. But eventually, the Israelites left the desert. How much they must have learned during those 40 years!
I too, eventually left the desert of wandering. And then it happened: one day a couple of years ago , the Big Opportunity that I had been preparing for and praying for finally arrived. I was scared out of my mind, to be sure. But I had enough hardship under my belt to trust God for something really big. This might be our only big break in life, so we were determined to not screw it up. All my husband and I had known was hardship. So I was willing to do whatever it took to have the opportunity for a better life — you, know — the kind of life they talk about on those Christian financial radio shows.
I find it interesting how the past few years our nation has been in economic turmoil, yet these years are the first in my life that my husband and I have ever had financial stability. The difficult lessons that we learned as poor young people have served us well. My husband and I learned how to start with basically no material resources, and in the face of opposition, create something useful and valuable. Those aren’t the kind of skills that they teach in college. I find it ironic that many of the employers who require college degrees are also the ones that personally make fun of their own degrees and admit what a waste they are.
So for those ladies out there who can’t afford college, find other ways to educate yourself. God did not give colleges a monopoly on preparing people for life success. If I had to do it over, I would probably skip getting a BA. I can now afford to go back for my masters and pay cash, but I feel there are so many better ways to spend $30K cash.
I know everyone’s situation is different, but I ask, if you had no backup plan – no parents, no friends, no money, would you look at your opportunities differently?
For many years, I wanted the Christian Woman’s dream of being a stay-at-home mom with a few cute kids and my husband making enough money that I didn’t have to work three jobs (or at all). And for years, I waited, and cried because I wanted the dream so badly. But now I have a great career, I am seeing first hand how God can use my career for his Glory.
God has given each of us unique opportunities and aptitudes. What are you doing with yours? What if the way you can use your opportunities doesn’t line with the picture in your head of what your life should be? Will you stall, waiting for the perfect husband / job / opportunity / school / degree…?
Hardship is a GIFT. It will teach you more than good times will. I truly hated all the hardship that we ad to go through, but God has used it to bless us in countless ways. We now have amazing opportunities that came as a result of extreme hardship. And now we can bless others in ways that we never thought possible.
Oh my goodness! How inspiring. You’re so right, life itself will teach you things you can’t learn in college. Learning to delight yourself in the Lord, put Him first and be content where you is where you’ll find peace.
I love this story, keep shining for God.
Thank you, Kelly for that beauiful commment and testiment to God’s love.
I’m 24. No job. Not in school. Single… again.. well not again.. i was never in a relationship but had an interest in a guy and he in me and somehow that faded or something.. idk…. I dont live with my Parents but i live in my Older sister’s basements. Im trying to get into school. Im suppose to start in the summer BUT one of my schools refuse to give up my transcripts. I look at THOSE parts of my life and I give off a HUGE SIGH. ‘
Then i look to God and all the things he is doing IN and through me I SMILE. Its not easy, being young and feeling that you’re at a fast paced stand still (one area is Growing beautifully and at a good pace, but the other areas are just there). But I try to keep reminding myself that God is Sovereign! He’s got everything in control. I TRY to REMIND MYSELF of this.. it doesnt work out all the time though. hmph,
As I sit on the other side of the world (uh…from where I live..) in New Zealand not being married doesn’t seem so bad….
In 3 weeks when I return…we’ll see.. haha..
Hi Bianca,
I just discovered you on youtube this morning and I really love your blog. This post I find to be very interesting, I am 28 years old ( will be 29 next month) and I thankfully have a full time job as a teacher. I also still live at home with my parents and am single. For a while I have felt like a “Loser” becasue the majority of the acquanintences I have, have an apartment, married, have families, or are extremely successful. Within the past couple months I have come to a realization, I’m content. Every once in a while I get that “Loser” feeling when I explain my situation to others because I feel as though they are judging me, but I look to God and I know He has Wonderful things planned and that I should trust in what he is doing in my life and place the worry and concern in His hands.
Welcome to the blog 🙂 And yes, you ARE in His hands. I’m praying for you… RIGHT NOW!
Trust and believe,
Bianca
I really loved these series! I felt that you were speaking directly to me and about me.
I’m 26 and thank God I have a job. I work as a teacher of English and Spanish. But it took me about 2 years to find a job that I was looking for.
And I still live with my parents. 😀 Although, it’s quite normal in Ukraine. Most people stay with their parents even after getting married because of the economic situation in the country. Most people can’t afford renting houses or apartments.
And I’m still single….But to be honest, I am happy with my life. I’m very blessed to have a wonderful family, great friends, a good job. Of course, I want to get married one day and have a family. But I believe in God’s timing, so I try to be patient.
There’s one good quote “The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.”
You’re in Ukraine? AWESOME!!! Welcome to the blog community 🙂