Okay, seriously people, I don’t care how tight we are or how much you value being “real,” I don’t want to hear you pass any form of gas from any orifice on your body. At all. Ever.
Furthermore, I don’t even want to talk about. The topic is thoroughly disgusting and nothing makes me more comfortable than when we normalize the conversation by saying, Everybody does it! Friends, I’m not everybody.
For some context, I grew up in a house where my mother created an etiquette course as part of our education. We didn’t call it burping, we referred to it as belching. Farting was hushed and replaced with flatulence. [Side note: My mother has never flatulated in front of my father in the 38 years they’ve been together and I’m pretty sure he appreciates it.] So you can imagine my horror when last night’s dinner conversation took a turn for the worst.
Someone—to protect his identity we’ll just call him Natt—said, Hey, it’s normal! I can be real. Everybody does it! At this point, the artisan appetizers are going sour in my stomach because I could see this conversation going south… dirty south. I gave Natt one of those We-aren’t-going-to-go-there looks accompanied with a frozen smile. What? he innocently asked. Like you don’t fart?
Natthew, I barked. You better watch your words! All the Southern etiquette my momma taught me was going to go out the window in 2.5 seconds if this man was going to throw me under the bus. Just so we’re all clear, no one needs to know mine or your gastronomical expulsions. It’s gross. And contrary to popular belief, it’s not normal. [Seriously, any gas exuding your body that can be lit into a flame is not normal. Ever.]
So please, I beg of you, don’t talk about belching or flatulence under the guise of being real. Friends, you’re not being real, you’re being gross.
All in favor, say aye!
My mother thanks you.
If nothing else, you have to be applauded for the diversity you bring to the blog!
Now, if only we could figure out the true identity of this ‘Natthew’ fellow…….
Amen to that girl! I think that is pretty gross and I have been married 14yrs and have never nor ever will do that in front of my husband….Hilarious post!!! LOL
God bless you
lol! i’m a nurse–which makes me pretty comfortable with bodily fluids/gas–so i forget that sometimes people aren’t down with the yuckier side of the human body! this was a good reminder (:
Aye! Aye! Where in the world did you get that clipart? Never mind, I don’t want to know…
I completely agree!! I yell at my husband all the time for just belching LOUDLY anywhere and everywhere….makes me wanna yack!
Wow. 38 years?! IMPRESSIVE.
Ahh!! Hahahaha. Love this and I’m DEFINITELY in favor! It is gross!
THANK YOU!!!! Yes it is disgusting and NO it is NOT normal….
I beg to differ: Flatulence is very normal as it’s the body’s way of ridding the build-up of gas. (If any of you have experienced abdominal/reproductive surgery, you know how incredibly uncomfortable trapped gas feels.) The location where the gas is released is what is abnormal. If ever someone says to you, “Pull my finger,” run away STAT!
True story: A colleague of someone I know was known to flatulate at their company meetings. The Fartster, as I call him, could care less what you thought of him and would fire away at any given moment. Ewww. :/
Oh, and women fluff. We don’t flatulate. 😉
really? how do you deal with my family’s belching??? lol
I’m forwarding this link to my nephews, lol.
I TELL THIS TO EVERYONE~ and they think Im crazy!! haahahaha Im glad someone still believes in being RESPECTFUL!!! YAY!
All I have to say is wow…….(as I am laughing)
I remember the first time my hubby farted in front of me. Yeah, because it was the week we got engaged. Apparently, “I can’t help it,” only began when a ring was placed securely on my finger. When we got married I told him that, between him and my lab (who also sleeps on our bed – I know, I know), I was sure I’d DIE of asphyxiation. I don’t even know how I’m living right now.
Hahahhaaaa!!!! My best friends will talk about it ALL and even do “it” in my presence. HORRIFYING.
And I can top you in the ettiquette dept. My Grandma thought the were fart was a swear word so she raised her three kids and all her grandkids to say….
BUDDYNIFF.
Yep. To this day I will still say that word (only out of dire necessity) when referring to you know what. 😉
I tell this to my husband all the time!!!! I don’t find it being normal… and after 10 years together I think it’s rude and disgusting! and he think’s I’m over reacting- I’m going to post this blog on my fridge and every bathroom in our house and on his pillow! LOL
Wow….you blogged about farting.
And the comments are just as outrageous, if not more so, than our dinner conversation. PS – That Natt sounds like a keeper!
I 100% agree with you on every point here, Bianca. I feel the same way, sister. We are few, but we will not shrink back in the fight against the gas. 🙂
AYE!!
Your stomach must hurt a lot. We gotta get you to live a little…get that gas out B. I mean…maybe not publicly but…for goodness sakes for your own health. Hahaha. I like Natthew!
FINALLY! Someone who thinks the way I think!!! My father was always so much more concerned about etiquette and what was appropriate than the rest of my family was, and his views stuck with me. I’ve been broken down a bit over the years by those who make me feel like I’m a stick in the mud or something, but I still feel uncomfortable around talk of bodily functions. I am so glad that I am not the ONLY one in my generation who still feels that etiquette has a purpose. 🙂 Thanks.
Amen!
HILARIOUS! unfortunately, totally can’t relate to you on this one… my family is like the Klumps so belching, flatulence… and lots of other gross things are talked about, done around each other… and yes… laughed at as a joke after it happens. Yes… definitely lots of boys in my family! 😉 xoxo
Haha, just read this. The first time I accidentally let out a toot in front of my hubby I got embarrased. His reply was, its o.k. let it out, you will feel better. Love that man!
My family had a warning comment about this…Danger-Deadly one coming run! It was my 4 bros.
Well…I must say that this post made me laugh. Bianca..you are so very very funny and the diversity of topics you cover is amazing. I never ever thought I would read a blog post from you regarding…”escaping gas!”
As a person in the medical field, I can tell you with definite, personal scientific proof that..yes..people do release “nerve gas!” Your intestines create this combination with in your system from the foods you eat..it does have to come out..really it does. Now, when and where one chooses to release such “nerve gas” is a topic that does need to be discussed. Really. In the grocery store aisle? How about in the intimate apparel department..what about the meat department..gross..really. (How about a room full of boys..It’s gonna happen) Now, older folks have no control over such functions due to their lack of movement….so once they get up and move..you guessed it…out it comes. (they call it “Self- propolsen” got to get ’em moving!) Sorry..but Love ya!
Ok..on the belching issue..there is a way to quietly release such upper gastric release..but one needn’t do so in such a manner that can be heard all the way to South Africa. A quiet gentle release is much appreciated.
When “gas” builds up in the system it creates pressure which in turn creates pain…so Please excuse your self to an area that is acceptabel to releasing such gas accumilation…Your neighbors and fellow shoppers will appreciate you!
Happy Friday!
AYE!!!!!!! I have been married 3yrs and neither my husband or me have flatulated or belched in front of each other. We both agree that it’s GROSS which I really appreciate he thinks like this. Have been at many gatherings and men and women belch like no one is around them, ewwwwww !!!! Many girlfriends tease their husbands as to how the stench knock them down the night before, and I’m like “do I really need to know this?” BTW my husband really enjoyed reading your blog…
Amen !!!
There was this one time my son farted for ten straight seconds. The whole room came to a stop and just looked at him as he chucked. We did give credit where it was due because he should have deflated like a balloon.
HILARIOUS!!!! but I agree. Bodily functions such as what you have mentioned should stay private. But this has been thoroughly entertaining to read.