As we sat on my office couch my good friend divulged some information about her life. Information which put me in between a rock and a hard place.
My inner monologue went something like:
She’s knows what she’s doing is wrong. You don’t have to remind her.
But if you don’t say anything, you might condone her actions.
What if she gets upset with me? What if I come off like a pharisee?
It’s not like I’m living a perfect life.
Wow, her hair looks great!
I knew I couldn’t leave my office without saying anything. If she was really my friend, I would tell her the truth. Even if it hurt. And I knew it would.
She listened to everything I said. She didn’t cry or get upset. She just listened.
The conversation didn’t end with prayer or biblical smack-down, just a simple, I love you too much not to tell you the truth. Annnnnd, your hair looks fabulous.
Her laugh assured me of two things: 1. I’m funny and 2. the wounds of a friend are better than the kisses of an enemy (Proverb 27:6).
I gave her a hug and knew in my heart I did the right thing. But this didn’t come from sage wisdom or experience. This was straight stolen from James who said, My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins (James 5:19-20).
Friends tell you the truth. Even when it hurts. Do you have friends who are claiming to represent Jesus but their actions are contrary? Keep it real. Call them out. Love them even when it hurts.
I did this a couple of years ago with a friend real quick-like. I tore the band-aid off fast, made a joke about something else, then went back to the grander conversation. I found out later that my gentle rebuke sent her into a torrential downfall of tears. BUT, she changed her lifestyle… Likewise, a year ago, a friend confronted me in a gentle and loving manner about something I was doing. She was so concerned about how I responded that she shed a few tears. Her concern for me, in spite of the confrontation, made me value her words so much…it definitely showed me how loved I was. Thanks for sharing that verse from Proverbs!
PS – I gave you a shoutout on my blog today!
I had some friends confront me recently… I knew I didn't need to be doing what I was doing but was justifying it by claiming I was helping the other person along the way. But my heart was being hurt in the process. And that's what my friends saw and cared about, my heart. So yes, it hurt, but it walking through the pain of breaking off that relationship was a lot easier knowing I had these amazing, godly women beside me!
Likewise, it seems I'm having to confront a handful of people recently. But my prayer is that as I see these things, not only will God give me gentle words but help me see the flaws in my life (so I can change) and remember that His grace covers ALL of us!
Thanks for sharing this today! Perfect timing 🙂
I have a confession – sometimes I get really mad and judgmental when I don't see other Christians step up and say something. I had a male friend who was slipping deeper and deeper into sin and I felt that the men who surrounded him should have been saying something, but their mouths were silent, or at least not vocal enough for me. It was a tricky situation and now, unfortunately, he is so deep in his sin he has no intention of turning around. Of course, I was claiming they needed to be the ones to say something. James doesn't say "If it's a girl, then you girls can say something." I should have stood up and been the mouthpiece.
I have this friend. She recently did her thing when I came to her with a "fight or flight" situation (I wanted to "flight" and was tired of the "fight" — remember that one, BB?). I was looking for an out but I didn't get it from her. She listened, let me vent some, and then did it. "Okay, are you sitting down? Get comfy. You're wrong." It was at that point that I knew she was right. I started crying and my heart screamed with relief that I was finally willing to hear what I had been trying to ignore. She is such a blessing to me and the big sister I always prayed for. God uses those who really know HIM to help US.
As an introvert who views ANY kind of conflict or confrontation (from addressing sin to where to have dinner) this is SO HARD for me. SO SO SO SO hard. There, I said it. For all the introverts and people who run screaming from confrontation and hide out until hopefully it has passed I'm speaking up for you. 😉
And yet I find this verse so comforting. Maybe it's because my favorite big brother James said it. I love that guy.
Anyway, It's taken YEARS to be able to confront even the small things but it's been worth the effort to grow stronger in this area. I have a long way to go but this is part of being a good "sister" and it is really important that I keep working at it.
Thanks for the encouragement.
What do I do if the person I'm confronting doesn't have pretty hair though? 😛
Like Michelle, I'm pretty introverted also….confrontation or conflict makes me walk the other way and use avoidance as my solution…I am also sensitive, so I think my friends are super careful with me…i think when it comes to friends or anyone (except my husband and my kids,,,too bad for them:)) I tend to feel like "i don't have anything right, so how can I say anything to them about what they r doing wrong" …although I know I should…I felt like this with a friend recently and I sort of danced around it…said a little in a passive way and then sort of stepped away for a while…i think she knew, and I think she knew how I felt about it so I think that's why we both stopped calling for a little while…I do agree though…friends should tell friends (in love)….
Thanks for the words of wisdom:)
I love that you keep it real. 🙂 If you ever read my blog (like you have time) and see me out of line I hope you'd keep me real.
amen.
I have a younger lady who is in this relationship with a non believer and she has walked away from her first love. I had MANY of conversations with her. At what point do you stop or do you continue? I havent talked to her in awhile and she is on my FB and the things she does is killing my heart.
She is still saying that she is walking with the Lord but her actions are clearing showing that she is not. Its been on my heart to talk to her again, but I am just not sure. She isnt going to our church anymore and I am not sure if she is going at all. She was blessed with the gift of sign and could be doing wonderful ministry. This guy has consumed her and I am not sure if I should just let her go?
She is leaving for NY with him on a vacation and I kinda wanted to say something to her. The thing is that no one else is holding her accountable. I have been the only one speaking up to her and it has been a long time since. should I just remain silent and pray or should I share my heart again? Thoughts?
If you feel in your heart to share…I say talk to her again…Pray beforehand that the Lord will open her heart and give you the words to speak to her. If you are the only person who has kept her accountable I really believe that you should touch on this again.
Bless your heart for loving her through this time! Not many friends do this.
Sounds like you have spoken the truth to her now she needs you to love her. Remind her often that God allows u-turns by the way you live your life and the manner in which you treat her. You avoid unpleasant encounters and she will too. Pray for her and get some friends to join you in praying for her to open her heart and eyes to God' leading. In the mean time love her. Sounds like you are a good friend.
Bianca, Friend, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about those leather leggings…
hahahaha!
Hilarious!
That is beautiful! It is so easy to run from a truth you believe will hurt a friend not realizing the hurt they are exposed to in their wrong doing. Friends help friends in a gentle loving way even when it hurt and is not the popular answer. You showed your friend real friendship and true love of a friend. We all need friends like this in our lives; and we all need to be friends like this. Yes, "the wounds of a friend are better than the kisses of an enemy (Proverb 27:6)." A friend posted " I would rather be hated for who I am; rather than be loved for the person I am not." Love sister…
Well said. I'm terrible at this. Terrible.
Yeah. I did this, and it didn't turn out well… perhaps because she wasn't a believer?! All is now reconciled, but she still will occassionally refer to the time I 'called her out'…
But, you know what? I need to be more concerned with His standard rather than appeasing others… The hard part is finding balance & checking motives to make sure it's done in love.
I have such a hard time doing this. I feel so wishy washy sometimes going between confronting with the truth and standing back and watching. I need to remember that if I truly love the person, I'll show that love by telling the truth.
I find it hard to make those confessions to others…maybe because I am scared of what they will say…or because I am scared to just say it outloud. I constantly strive for love, affection, and just in general being liked. It is much easier for me to listen to their problems and be the one that helps them thru the situations. Even my personal blog, has a huge filter on it because I am afraid of what those will say that will read it. I share the real stuff…just the postive real stuff…I keep the ugly behind closed doors. I think it is great that you are the kind of person that we all want and need in our lives. She obviously confided in you because you gave her the security to be able to. It's uncommon to have people in my life that will love me unconditionally…thank you for being that to someone in yours.
You did it in a spiritual keen way. As to keep the relationship. But as to put her on her heels, as from the Lord. Good lessons for all of us. Cause sometimes, its a task and skill dealing with people. It really is. Takes alot prayer. We've all heard things like, "You can't shoot a mosquito with a cannon. " Or, "when you're in a fight with a skunk, you'll never win." Both extremes. But sometimes, not all, there's some, not all, no matter what you say or do (in love) they'll have something to say about you negatively. So the way you put it was good. Yet, as a man, ti'll tell you, its alot harder. Anyways thank you for the insight.
Way to go B. Truth has to go before love, wouldn't you say? After all, what good is one's love if it's not truthful? No TRUE LOVE there. I wouldn't want anyone withholding the truth from me just so I can be comfortable, would you? Have you thought about changing your blog to "in the name of TRUTH"?
hey, you should listen to Hollie Smith on myspace… she's an amazing (well i think so!) NZ musician. have a listen to philosophy! have a great week x
This is SO the hardest thing in the world to do – be totally honest and totally kind and careful with our friends hearts. It's so hard to know when to speak up and when to let God move in people's hearts for a season and He do the convicting… you found an awesome balance!
I have been wrestling with this with a gal that is becoming a good friend…and I just totally needed to hear that. Thank you VERY much!
Hello ,
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Thanks!
I find it hard to make those confessions to others…maybe because I am scared of what they will say…or because I am scared to just say it outloud. I constantly strive for love, affection, and just in general being liked. It is much easier for me to listen to their problems and be the one that helps them thru the situations. Even my personal blog, has a huge filter on it because I am afraid of what those will say that will read it. I share the real stuff…just the postive real stuff…I keep the ugly behind closed doors. I think it is great that you are the kind of person that we all want and need in our lives. She obviously confided in you because you gave her the security to be able to. It’s uncommon to have people in my life that will love me unconditionally…thank you for being that to someone in yours.
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