I always thought melt-downs occur around middle age. [You know, like the 55 year-old balding male who decides to pierce his ear and buy a convertible.] But, as I’ve discovered, anyone can be unglued and melt-down.
Prior to marriage I could spout off attributes to describe myself should someone ask. For example, tennis-lover, foodie extraordinaire, museum curator, blah, blah, blah. But as soon as I returned from my honeymoon, I became less sure of who I was. Dr. Phil and Dear Abby will all say marriage is an adjustment, but when two stepchildren are involved adjustment is an understatement.
Within the first trimester of stepmotherhood, my identity was in shambles. Around a crowded dinner table, my friend Michelle told me I was having an identity crisis. The only image I could conjure up was the mental picture of the 45 year-old mother who shops with her teen daughter at Forever 21, dyes her hair blond, and wears glitter, so I wasn’t really buying it. But after some soul searching [and crying], I realized I was becoming unglued.
Dateless and single for seven years, I developed a modus operendi of establishing a career while avoiding mediocrity at all costs. I filled my life with culturally enriching events, athletic pursuits, and business travel. As far as my friends and ministry pals were concerned, I was a virtual concierge, always with latest museum exhibition, hotel, or restaurant recommendation.
In my downtown I devoured cooking magazines, Grisham novels, and anything Pulitzer. On weekends, when I wasn’t spending long mornings running on the beach or some random trail, I could be found strolling museums pondering the motivation of tortured artists or sitting in a vibrating chair at Fancy Nail, having my toes painted red and catching up on tabloid trash. On Saturday nights, while the bourgeoisie and their kids waited in line at Blockbuster with a stack of the latest Disney films in their arms, I sat comfortably in an art house theater eating a dinner of popcorn and Evian water while watching intellectual indie files with subtitles. Sundays were no less self-absorbed with picking whatever church service catered to my schedule, workout, or ministry event.
Can you imagine the pain I felt spending $50 on a Saturday night to sit a theater with screaming kids watching the latest poorly produced cartoon? This. Isn’t. My. Life.
Moving from sassy and single to happy and hitched can be a rough transition by itself—throw stepkids into the mix and you got yourself a recipe for HotMess soup! However, it can be done. Whether newly married or newly married with kids, it’s important to allow yourself some time to adjust to wife and part-time mother.
I didn’t allow myself time [and grace] to adjust to what life would look like. If adjustment doesn’t occur and grace isn’t given [by the spouse], the goals of “perfect wife and doting step-mom” will eventually turn into Britney Spears’ head shaving experience: a disaster.
I’m still working through this transition and I haven’t figured it out, but remembering my identity is solely in Christ has tempered my crisis and allowed me to embrace the change.
Thankfully other women like Lysa Turkeurst’s who are honest about coming UNGLUED. In Lysa’s newest book, she shares her experiences, life lessons, and learnings in her newest book Unglued. Today YOU can win a copy of Lysa’s newest book. All you have to do is leave a comment and I’ll announce the winner! Easy peesy, super cheesy 🙂 [<—-Proof I have a six year-old]
Thanks for the chance to win. Enjoyed your post about marriage…this is from a single girl too. We are all the same…right!?!? Thanks, friend.
This is SO good. It is a great reminder to a single girl to immensely enjoy the random nail appointments and nights at home alone for they won’t be there forever 🙂
I love that my {entire} Twitter feed today is reminding me how Unglued we all can be. Love all you Ladies and your sweet honesty!
Excited for this. I’m grateful for your honest heart. It really encourages me, especially being sassy and in a relationship, lol. The in-between
Hahaha, between “schizophrenic CatLady” yesterday to “Britney Spears’ head shaving experience” today, you are on a roll with making me laugh woman!
I loooove Lysa and I looooove your Blog what an amazing COMBO!!!!!! Yes. As a Momma of a 2 almost 3 year old and a 1 almost 2 year old…I do become…UNGLUED at times… but God is so good and Amazing support from Awesome women of God and yes..some very much needed alone time, help me get through… every time… along with the occasional mid-day grownup melt down… 🙂
As a mother of a 2 year old, a wife and full-time employee….”unglued” is my current season. Thank you for being so candid….I LOVE reading your blog 🙂
Pfft forget being newly married, I feel that way and I’m 23, single and a college student?! Lawwwd! Never could pick the word to describe what I was feeling..unglued PERFECTLY sums it up!
Love ya…. Wish I could have made it to the conference on Saturday, I bet it was awesome!
Oh dear!!! I had the biggest meltdown of my life around Christmas time! I seriously felt like this: I’m a wife now so I HAVE to know and LOVE to bake, I HAVE to be crafty (so I went out and purchased scrapbook paper and gadgets and such. That I NEVER use by the way because it turns out I hate sitting down for multiple minutes by myself working on something i don’t enjoy doing. Oh, and I begged my husband for a Crikut.), and several other messes. I found out what it was like to have an identity crisis and not just hear about them. It was super hard and I’m still and will always be learning. I’m telling you Bianca, you always seem to blog something that I’m thinnking about at the moment….. awesome.
Hmmm…..maybe I don`t want to start dating and get married after all 😉
I wasn`t going to post anything `cause I`m not married but even singles can come “unglued” when: a guest yells at you at work, the service engine soon light comes on in the car, and the credit card statement arrives all in the same day!!!
I like what you said about having your identity in Christ…I need to embrace that…
(You don’t have to enter me in the draw though…Canada’s a long & expensive way to send a book.)
I am the poster child for coming ‘unglued” I really thought she had a hidden camera in my house when I read the excerpts from the book. Actually if you look really close I think that’s me who has her head buried in the bag on the front cover of the book. 🙂
What you said is so true, finding our identity in Christ is where we find true joy, something I am in the process of learning…(slowly)
So thankful that’s Christ’s mercies are new every day!
Thanks for the chance to possibly win a copy of the book!
I keep on getting this book recommended to me! I want to read it so badly! I’d love to win it!
Oh, I love this post. I feel like every time something huge happens in my life I get unhinged. :/
Thank you for the chance to win!
Well… being that I had a quarter life crisis yesterday, I’m extremely thankful for your post today. It’s timely and ever so fitting. Hope you’re having a wonderful day. Praying for you always xoxo- Diana
Well, not unlike getting instant children when I got married, I had a honeymoon baby! So, needless to say, our marriage has always been about babies and children! I too come unglued, but in it I realize that I am still being made perfect (my refining in the fire) and I know God and I still have MUCH work to do 😉 Now, take the kids out of the equation, for say, a weekend trip, and I am pleased to report… my husband and I still like and enjoy each other when we are alone (like we did before the kids). Everything will work out, just remember to breathe! 😉
Wow! Thanks for your honesty! We all most definitely come unglued!!
I just started homeschooling my 8 and 6 year old while I have toddler ( boy) running around. I am all well too familiar with coming Unglued! Would love this book. I just finished Lysa’s book, Made to Crave, and after reading it, changed my eating habit. So now without my daily does of chocolate, I’m afraid my unglued moments might even be more frequent! Thanks for the chance to win and for your blog!!
So excited to read this book! I turn 40 tomorrow and my emotions are harder to keep in control as I age!
Happy early birthday!
I’m entering for me WIFE. She’s definitely unglued.
I LOVE that you entered for you wife. How precious!
I am excited to have this chance of winning I glued. just started my second book by Lysa and loving it. Challenging but good.
I think every girl will go thru a meltdown; postpartum, step parent transition, from single to married, culture merge, etc. Good news is you’ll like who comes out at the end, you(smile)! I like what God fashioned in me and you’ll conquer this stage & become an expert for the next one. Olivia and Fancy Nancy will prove to be prophetic:)
Always your cheerleader…dianna:)
Thanks for sharing your unglued moment. It’s nive to know I’m not the only one!
Thanks so much for sharing! I have read so many great reviews about Unglued, I would love to win Lysa’s book so I can read it! As a wife and a new mommy, I definitely have my moments where I can start to come “unglued”! 😉 Thanks for this opportunity Bianca!!
Oh Bianca, do I hear you. I, too, am newly married and newly “stepmom.” Two girls…12 and 14. I hear, deeply, your words about identity and, frankly, coming unglued. Thank you for sharing. If anything, at least now, I don’t feel quite so crazy. Ha!
Thanks for the giveaway! Great author! 🙂
I have come unglued!! 25, single ,jobless , and recently moved almost halfway across the country and haven’t allowed myself time to adjust!!
Love knowing others become unglued!! Thanks for the giveaway!
Please I have entered every contest I hope this could be the one… fingers crossed… I’m already unglued… I’d like to be fixed before I get glued back together with the people in my life 🙂 God is so good and all his plans He can use for His purpose.
Ever had a “me too” moment that just made you feel loke you were not alone and not losing your mind? Your post just did that for me! Im actually at home talking to my husband…who ia not listening might I add…about kids schedules and I just even now had that “this is my life?” moment. I never realized getting married and having step children would be so hard. There are times I just want to scream and run away….in those moments I question what I’m doing wrong and why but am learning to let go and let God! It’s so nice to know I’m not the only one going through it! Pleaae keep up the honesty!
I would love to win a copy of this book — can’t wait to read it!
I enjoy your blog. The recent one from your mom was very powerful.
As I get closer to 60 (or it gets closer to me), I sometimes wish I were married – with or without kids. Like tonight. I forgot how difficult it is folding sheets by yourself…the fitted ones are a completely different story.
Watched a (previously broadcast) episode of “Mobbed”. It would be so easy if, in fact, “when you meet the love of your life, time stops.”
Oh Bianca, how I can relate. Since returning home from the hospital we are desperately trying to establish our home as a party of four, throwing in the trauma we are all recovering from, determining our “new normal”. I frequently have to remind myself that having two small children is a task in itself without factoring in “cancer”. I’m also transitioning from career woman to homemaker – by far the hardest job! Thank you for your candidness, as always. Inspiring.
I have been Unglued for awhile. I am a mom with a 4 yr old boy, a 2 1/2 yr old daughter with disabilities and a 17 month old daughter. My life is often chaotic and I find myself exploding more than I would like to. I have been praying faithfully for God to help me with my exploding behavior. It seems to be helping, but I still feel as if I could learn more, do more… for my children.
Oh B! I read the comments here and see that we have all have come Unglued or are currently Unglued. Sometimes we don’t know which way was up. When my husband first left me my large bedroom windows faced a large field with hills in the background. I would look to them hoping to be rescued, after all King David looked to the hills asking where his help comes from. The Father always always always hears our cries and sends help. We just don’t always see it or acknowledge it.
Here’s the incredible news. I am seeing women from all over the blog-o-sphere and in real life seeking God and pulling together. He is at work, sisters! Be encouraged.
I literally had my first melt down yesterday!! And i know its because of all the changes we’ve had to make lately. However, it was with with my own 2 kids and it was so stupid, but it was my breaking point. Thank God for a godly, gracious man I got because if not I would have gone crazy a long time ago…
Thank you for this post, today!
Loved Made To Crave. Loved her lab at Catalyst last year. I have no doubt I’ll love Unglued, as well! I came unglued several years ago, and now I’m spending a lot of time patching the pieces back together. Hopefully I’ll have some in place before the next meltdown!
First time to your blog & I love it & you!! Found you through Christine Caine. Oh you, Lysa & Christine make so grateful to be a woman in this day & age. Amazing truth & realness that is much needed!! Love love love!!!!
As a newlywed I completely get it now. Although, I think the harder transition for me was going from single girl to steady boyfriend girl! I wanted a solid relationship so badly, but didn’t fully understand the changes that come with a serious relationship. Not that we have everything figured out, but marriage was an “easier” transition for us than dating was! Backwards? Maybe. Would I have it any other way? Not at all.
Hi! New follower, from Lysa’s blog tour! Thanks for the chance and the tip!
This sounds like a book to add to my list to read.
Sounds like a great book!
I lost both of my grandparents who raised me within the last year and a half. To say I’ve become unglued is an understatement. So unglued that I’ve lost faith in God & have repeatedly thought of suicide as a way to stop the pain. I am trying to pick up the pieces & find my way back to God so I can be the wife & mother my family needs me to be. I frequently have “how did I get here” moments in my life & I think this book would be just the jump start I need.
I just found my new favorite blog to read. I’m not commenting to win a copy of the book because I have a copy BUT if I won, I would give it to a person that I know needs it.
Anyway! I love your blog. I love your video. You’re an inspiration to many, I can tell. You go girl!! <– I have a smart mouth 6 year old boy. LOL!! 😉
I love Lysa! Can’t wait!
Dealing with work, 2 young children, a live-in MIL, aging parents and the recent loss of a family business (and subsequent loss of income) has definetely impacted my ability to become unglued. Would love to win a copy!
Would love to learn how to handle my “unglued” moments. Thank you for this opportunity.