I suffer from a serious condition called Idiotitis. It’s very serious. Clearly.
I know I’m not the only one who suffers from this, but many walk around unaware they they also suffer from this socially crippling ill. Some symptoms may include getting your foot in your mouth, being socially awkward, and laughing when no one else is.
I claim to be a matchmaker. No one believes me, but I believe its my spiritual gift. Well—I thought it was my spiritual gift until I completely made an idiot of myself this past Sunday when trying to set up my friend with a guy I have never met. Hold on… in case you glazed over that last line, let me repeat it:
I tried setting up my friend with a guy I never met.
Slap me. Hard.
I knew this guy in an online capacity [read: I stalked him] and discovered he was single. When I met his sister, I did further research to confirm he was indeed single as an ice cream scoop. I couldn’t loose my cool and tell her I wanted to set him up, so like Mary the mother of Jesus, I kept this all in my heart. 😉
As the good Lord would have it, I attend a church this past Sunday and guess who is the guest artist doing worship? The guy I wanted to hook my BFF up with! [If that isn’t God, what is, right? Riiiiight.] As he was singing it was like something came over me and I couldn’t shake it.
If you experience any of the following warning signs, seek help immediately:
- The compulsive and incessant feeling that you have the power to control destiny
- The persistent sense that you are the creator of magical meetings and all things Valentine
- Sudden and unexplained disorientation you think is the voice of God asking you to do something
- Raced pulse, beating heart, brow sweat [quite possibly a hot flash if you’re a female over 45]
The cause of Idiotitis is not completely known, but it is believed to originate from a combination of the following factors:
- Love [whether real or imagined] that you sense your friends could one day create
- The need to make everyone married and matched
- Delusional belief that you’re Jewish at heart and claim divine right to being a yenta
I waited in the sanctuary to see if he would come out and chat with fans [or future BFFs ;)], but he didn’t. I over-spiritualized the whole thing and prayed an audacious prayer, God if you want me to introduce him to Miss X, allow me to talk to him. He never came back into the sanctuary so I begrudgingly walked out of church.
And. That’s. When. It. Happened. I was walking outside of the church and lo and behold, I see this brother at the street light waiting to cross the street. Oh praise you sweet God Almighty for hearing the cries of my single friend and allowing me to bring these two soul mates together, is what I prayed as I sped-walked in his direction.
What came out of my mouth after that was the worst case of Idiotitis I’ve ever experienced. I’ve heard of people being so intoxicated they don’t remember what they said or did while under the influence. I can honestly say I know the feeling!
So what’s the treatment for Idiotitis?
Most patients choose to treat their Idiotitis with a daily dose of prescription Shutup ® 20 mg, which works by inhibiting the brain’s natural ability to talk. This results in a newfound ability to become aware that you’re making a fool of yourself.
Shutup works quickly and effectively, allowing you to live a normal life immediately without the compulsion to make an idiot out of yourself and/or those you love.
However, the drug does not cure the underlying condition and has several known side effects, including:
- Laughing at yourself while no one else is
- The slow and silent death of any coolness you possess
- Occasional verbal diarrhea
He was incredibly gracious and just smiled. The only thing I could do was to tell him to google my friend’s name and do his own research. I think I may have bust out some Christianese like, I’ll be praying for you. In case you already didn’t, slap me. Hard.
For those suffering from Idiotistis, take the lesson from me and don’t forget to take your daily prescription of Shutup ®! You’ll thank me later.
Love,
The Former Matchmaker
Oh my WORD – this is so so funny. And I have also realized that a daily dose of Shutup is more valuable than any vitamin 🙂
Oh Lisa-Jo, YOU get me!!! Sometimes I think I’m the only nut job out there who can swallow both of feet in my mouth and simultaneously laugh at “Awkward Family Photos.” LOVE you!
OH my this made me laugh! I definitely suffer from this at times. 🙂
I don’t believe you. You can’t give it up. You will try. But you won’t stop with the matchmaking.
PS – I need the backstory on this one.
“Like Mary…kept all these things in my heart.”
Favorite line!!!
haha! Thank God we can laugh about these things after 🙂 Also, is your email still bianca@inthenameoflove.org? I have a couple questions to ask you 🙂
Oh B, you crack me up!!!
Does that Rx for Shut Up come in IV form?…….
This is so so funny! I read it out loud to my sister and cracked up! I love the way you write; my dad has prescribed me the medication shut-up a few times 😉
This is hilarious!!! I’ve been there a time or two. I clicked on that link…I say you are GOOOOOOOOD friend because well..that’s some NIce looking out for your friend. =)
hahahaha…lol. I was over myself grinning like an idiot on this one. lol
I too need to be cured of idiotis.
But just think of the story you all could have. That could make it all worth it 😉
oh. my. god. i’m DYYYYYIIIINGGGGG.
and i also want to strangle you.
oh no you didn’t! I’m not a slapper but if you were have been near me I would have eeeked and gasped loud enough so you knew I was reading it. On the other hand I’m glad you found a medicine for this illness ’cause I’ve been diagnosed with it a couple of times LOL! Sending my prescription so you can send my meds 🙂
This is truly awesome. Times a million. I’ve been there and realized I had said too much when someone else said, “oh, so this is your future brother-in-law” riiiight in front of said FBIL…at a table where we were all seated for a formal meal. Luckily, he humored me and went out with my sister. There weren’t sparks, but I’m not exactly looking forward to the yearly conference where I am sure to meet him once again!
but he’s soooo cute!
and she’s soooo cute!
why wouldn’t God see to it??
Ok now you can slap me. I was just talking to my in laws about the nice boy at church who needs to date my friend after she dumps her loser boyfriend/fiance whatever he is. Ugh.
Omygosh!! You and me are sososo alike!! I’ve had these type of experiences recently. I’ve learned the beauty of shutting up when necessary.
Listen, I appreciate the commitment that you showed to setting this thing up for your friend. You have to at least get points for effort…with maybe a few subtracted for execution 🙂
ok, maybe I’m a dork, but I don’t see anything wrong with what you did. I’ve tried matching people many times myself. 🙂
except for the tiny detail that you didn’t actually KNOW the guy, this could have had a very happy ending. in fact, it still could. I bet the guy visits your church again and asks to meet your friend ♥
by the way, I wish you’d told us what he said when you caught up to him at the streetlight. was he surprised? appalled? flattered? confused? please give us more details 🙂
you and I haven’t met, but if you ever want to fix me up with anyone, you have my full permission to do it ♥
I literally laughed out loud… like a mad woman!!!
Oh my word, can I use some Shutup but the FIVEHUNDRED MG!!!! I could also give this special medication to a couple of the older sisters at church who try and hook me up with any breathing brother. Oh dear! Thanks for this post.
You are hilarious! If I was single, I’d want a friend like you. I hope he googled her and that they can tell this story at their wedding 😉