Loud music pumped through air, lights pulsed and pierced the dark room as N* led a group into dance routine after dance routine. As a choreographer and dance instructor, he had the ability to make anyone feel like a professional dancer at any level of experience. In all of 2.5 seconds I knew I wanted to get to know his story, because really, he was amazing.
We built a friendship upon our mutual love for dancing. Flamboyant and energetic and incredibly talented, Nick and I would chat after class about his latest diet or my inability to look serious while trying to do a lyrical dance move. We moved from gym friends to Twitter buddies until one day something changed. Our light-hearted conversations after class turned cold and distant, always cut short by an appointment or errand he had to do. The separation gap grew increasingly apparent until I waited for him after class as the students piled out to find out why.
Me. Him. And an empty dance room as cold as our friendship.
I asked how he was doing and if everything was okay. He laughed his usual laugh and smiled at me as if everything was okay, but I’ve lived in Orange County long enough to know plastic when I see it. I prodded more and the laughter subsided as truth was revealed.
N grew up in Hawaii in a Christian environment, was rejected by peers, isolated from staff, and eventually kicked out from his Christian school because he told his teacher he was gay. I read your blog and found out you’re a Christian, he said seriously. I know you know I’m gay and I didn’t want you to hate me like everyone else who said they were Christian, he admitted callously towards the end of our conversation.
His statement took me aback. Of all the things Christian believers could have taught him, his only memory was the hatred and rejection from the people who claimed to emulate the life of Christ. How did the beauty of the gospel, the fullness of grace, the redemption song we valiantly sing, be reduced to that? Jesus—the friend to sinners and thieves and prostitutes—was lost in the condemnation and judgement of his followers.
We know the scriptures in Leviticus. We know how God feels about homosexuality. But may we never forget the message of grace! May our identity as followers of Christ not be defined by the Law like the Pharisees, but in the scandalous message of grace. Yes, yes, I know sin is bad. But don’t forget that grace is the hallmark of Jesus’ ministry! The woman at the well, Matthew the tax collector, eating with Zacchaeus, the compassion toward the hemorrhaging woman, and the forgiveness he displayed to the woman caught in adultery.
Where are these kind encounters in our lives today?
N,
If you ever read this blog again know that there is a God who loves you. Period, the end. We all are marred and broken and sinful, but God loves us. It is through through His love we are able to live the life He desires for us to live. You smile through pain, but I know the wounds are deep. You may not be able to believe my words because the words of others have deafened you the message of grace, but know this: You are loved. You are accepted. You are a child of God.
Like Billy Graham says, It’s God’s job to judge. It’s the holy spirit’s job to convict. And it’s my job to love. N, you’re loved.
Do you had radical stories of grace shown to you? Or have you played the role of pharisee and lived to regret it? Feel free to share. It’s an open forum.
*To respect his identity, his name has been changed.
I think this is so necessary, and absolutely right on the nose. I think so many people feel judged, and misunderstood by Christians, while in reality, we are supposed to be leading others towards the light. My pastor recently said something that really stuck with me: “Don’t cut off someone’s nose and expect them to smell the roses you give them.” We are not to condemn others, or judge others, but to show them the love and grace of Jesus Christ. Not to accept their sin, but to love the sinner in spite of their sin.
Very well put and so true! I find it so sad that some uncaring, judgemental, unloving Christians have made a bad name for us. We need to show the same love and grace that Jesus came to show the world.
Thank you so much for sharing this. As the Bible says, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.”
Last I checked, we’re all sinners. Given that, what gives us the right to judge or shun others?
This is 100% my ultimate pet peeve. I think you did a wonderful job of explaining this. Better than I ever could’ve done anyway.
I hope that Nick can somehow see the authenticity of your love and that he can realize that not all Christians want to judge him. Something about that plank in my own eye, you know?
I think in one post, you summed up what is so right and good about Christ and so broken about humanity. That we turn away a brother or sister because of ‘sin’ when WE have all sinned. It breaks my heart to see people burned by the church. Jesus taught us to LOVE. Love God, and love others. That was all he left us with.
Yes. Just yes.
The love of Jesus is so great, so big, so available for every heart!
N, I’m praying today that the love of Jesus will heal the hurt of all the people who failed to emulate Him. You are LOVED.
Great post, B!
N* i am so sorry.
-Jared from Hawaii
Appreciate you bringing straight truth and never sugar coating it!
My daughter retweeted your post, dealing with this issue now with a friend of my daughter’s..it is very difficult to know where to draw the line when she keeps rejecting the Truth and trying to make her lifestyle fit God’s word, which it doesn’t. Please pray for Amber and out family to continue to show grace and love to this struggling young lady! Awesome post…the church is the hospital for a hurting world!!
Thanks for posting and sharing God’s truth and love in such a simple yet profound way. My prayer is that this message (not just the blog post, but the action it calls us to) will reach all those who have been burned by people calling themselves Christians and that it would draw them into God’s grace and love. We need to ALL make sure that we are sharing Christ’s LOVE and ACCEPTANCE and not our own judgement to not only the gay community, but anyone in need of Him!
Bianca,
I feel that our hearts have been in the same place recently. I wrote about unconditional love on my blog and this post just reaffirms my late night post yesterday. Thank you for explaining that grace is for everyone, not just a certian few. And love is too.
Why is there the need in the body of Christ to water down the sin of sodomy? I undertand that we need to love homosexuals but we also need to speak the truth in boldness withiout fear of man. The word of God does not change, homosexuality is a vile sin by men and women who are given over to a depraved mind. Should the church be just as gracious and sensitive to adulterers and fornicators? Or are we just cow towing to the homosexual and lesbian community in order that we are politically correct? Telling someone that they will be okay when they are in open rebellion to God is not being wise and will give them a false sense of security.
Hello Solomon,
(I like your name) I’ll first start off by saying that in no way, shape, or form was I trying to “water down” the truth. He was already told the truth about his life choices from his classmates, family, friends, and school officials. He was castigated and marginalized, shamed and condemned. Why on earth would I continue down that road?
It wasn’t the time or place to beat the truth into him; he had already been pummeled enough. I simply wanted to remind him that God loves him. That’s it, nothing more.
If I began playing the holy spirit in his life, I think it would’ve further wedged his view of God and God’s love.
I know what scripture says about homosexuality. And over-eating. And being drunk. No matter what condemnation I feel about my life, I know one thing is certain: Jesus loves me and because of His love, I desire to change. I don’t change because guilt or rules tell me to. We found freedom from the Law by the blood of Jesus.
Thank you for comments and I hope you know that if the time was right to speak about his sexuality, I most definitely would. But there is a time for the law and there’s a time for love.
He needed love.
I miss the ‘like’ buttons – so have a virtual standing ovation instead.
AN important thing to remember is that we are instructed to speak the truth in LOVE, not from a place of self-righteousness. And, while focusing on the sin of homosexuality because our culture makes it so big, we look over many “smaller” sins that are still our fallen state rebelling.
Bianca. This post really touched my heart. Having a gay sister I see from both sides how the people around her cause her to draw Further and further away from the things of god. (Most of the time its the people in or church. ) But I also see how hard it is for people to realize that it is our job to only love. Thank you for the encouragement and reminder that I need to love my sister (But not the sin) and show her grace.
Bianca,
I just had a friend of a friend die in a tragic way unexpectadley. This man who died practiced white magic and my friend would warn him over and over again. The man would not listen to my friend and one day they had a very passionate disagreement about the things of God to the point that the man told my friend off. See, my friend could not just listen to this guys talk about the things he was into without warning and rebuking him. This mans family would witness the se passionate debates and knew where my friend stood in regards to the gospel of Jesus Christ. After the last exchange they had my friend gave him a final warning concerning repentance and then went on his way. This man and his family would mock my friend about his passion for Jesus. They didn’t speak to each other for a couple weeks after that last conversation as my friend had decided that he did all he could to warn this man. On Friday afternoon, this man was killed in an auto accident, needless to say his family and friends are devastated. My friends solace in this is that he warned this man over and over again about his lifestyle and where it will lead. Ezekial 33 talks about being watchman and when you warn the people, the blood will not be on your hands but if you don’t warn them then their blood will be on your hands. See, there may not be a tomorrow for this individual at your gym, so take the next oppurtunity to share the gospel and inform him that the day of salvation is at hand. The man who passed away may have thought he had all the time in the world to get right with the Lord but in an instant he was gone. Did he repent of his wickedness before he died? Only God knows but consider this, the place where he died was a place that was known by my friend for one of his hot spots. My friend last spoke to him two weeks prior and the guy rejected the message of repentance. I have a meeting set up with my sister who is practicing homosexuality after being married with children and now divorced. I will tell her the truth about where she is headed if she continues in her sin because I love her too much to let her go to hell. Time is not on anyones side
I just heard a message on Ezekial 33 in chapel yesterday. However, I find it very audacious for a Christian to claim that because someone is homosexual they are going to hell. It is an area of sin that they need to go to God to ask for healing. I think practicing homosexuality vs. praying to be healed from it are different, but I still don’t think you can claim the one practicing, who says they are a Christian, will go to hell. But, I cannot say for certain.
this post helps me a lot because I often feel like Solomon R… but I’m conflicted because I have many gay friends & I absolutely lurv them. I’ve talked about the subject many times & thought about how I’m “supposed” to feel about it and your solution is so simple & on point – love…b/c we all fall short. Thanks so much for this post!!! xo
Bianca, please pray for me. I am in a situation where I am friends w/ a few gay guys. I have even invited them to my church. I feel sorry for them because they have a lot of pain, such as no father or abusive father. They know I am a Christian and they are ok w/ being my friend. I pray for them and their salvation. I really do care for them.
i love Jesus Christ. But i think that saying being gay is a sin IS JUST AS HURTFUL as the people who he felt hurt from. Just my opinion. That’s like someone telling me, I know you’re a black woman, and it’s wrong, but I’ll still accept you. ..No. the error is in thinking it’s wrong. A person is born gay the same way you are born straight. WHy would someone CHOOSE to be an outcast, pariah, denied legal rights?
Homosexuality is seen among lots of other species of animals. Perhaps it’s a hormonal imbalance or something pathologically that went ary. But is a person who is born say a hermaphrodite or with a mix up of chromosomes like Caster Semenya are they sins because something went ary when their mom was pregnant with them? Why is it different with gay people? If there can be phsyical/genetic mix ups like downs syndrome where a chromosome is messed up, why can’t there be a mix up chemically that results in homosexuality?
The bible also says stuff about menstruation, do we take that literally too?
and even if it were a sin. ALL SINS ARE EQUAL. If you’re divorced and remained divorced that’s just as equal a sin. If you’ve EVER been unkind to your neighbour. that’s just as equal a sin has being gay then is. I mean should your husband go back to his wife and mother of his children? He continues to sin by being with you.
Thanks, B., for reminding us of God’s grace- which is so very scandalous 🙂 He is the Judge, and we are not a jury. Loving a person who is gay is not watering down the truth- it opens the door for the truth of Christ’s love to walk in. It is the love of Christ that saved me when I had chosen a lifestyle apart from God, and His love brought me home. When we love, we open the door as well.
“You are accepted. You are a child of God.”
Telling a homosexual that he is “accepted” and a “child of God” (while he is in full-blown rebellion against God) is a lie straight from Satan. I have to agree with Solomon. Giving someone who is practicing a lifestyle of sin (whether that be homosexuality, fornication, whatever the case) a false sense of acceptance and security is NOT loving them. It is the exact opposite. Yes, it is our job to love, but loving includes warning those who are on a path of destruction, not telling them they are accepted, children of God regardless. I do not read anywhere in the Bible where homosexuals or those practicing sin are called children of God. If we love them, we will tell them the truth in love!
This post is pretty scary… and a lot of the comments of those who are praising you for this post are scary too. Is this what the church has become?
I love you, Suzanne. It’s all good. People who know me, get me. Those that don’t, won’t.
So true, Bianca! It’s not our job to judge; all we’re qualified to do is love. It’s that simple! Thank you for spreading the message.
My Daughters both went to public school. In High School, My Daughters were faced with making friends, new friends as their classes and interests changed and retaining the old friends amid changes in life and interests.
Our doors were always open to their friends, often times having bodies amongst bodies when I arrived home from work.
My girls were faced with homosexuality and promiscuity early on. They learned that some of their friends were gay/lesbian. I taught my girls early on that this world is full of enough hate and resentment and that the Bible teaches us to love. Love as Jesus does.
Each new life style discovery brought new discussion. Each child was scared when word got out about their life style choices, each came to us, open and broken. My Daughters lovingly spoke to them and accepted them…We spoke about what the Bible says, but we also spoke about How, we LOVE them, but don’t like their actions. Hugs and love continued and still do to this day.
We show Christ by example, by love, by compassion..not by hatred. There is enough hatred in this world. We choose to love regardless of their actions, for the Love of God is mightier.
I don’t understand a lot of these negative comments. Why is it important to tell someone about his lifestyle unless led by the holy spirit? I’m sometimes around people who life but I don’t go around constantly saying you’re a liar, you’re a liar you need to change. The Holy Spirit is the one who does the convicting as he did when convicted each of us of our sins.
All I can say is that Jesus Christ died for N* too..
This post came at a perfect time for me. I had to print it off so I could stick it in my bible.
At the end of the day, there are no definitive answers down here. We will all stand alone on the judgement day to explain our lives – we alone will be charged with whether we loved the sin or loved the sinner, whether we lived in repentance or acceptance, earthly or heavenward.
You have no idea where Bianca will, or any of the others agreeing with her would, take this relationship next, but I can guarentee you, an environment of love will harbor more potential for change than hostility ever will.
Love opens doors – anger cements them closed.
And I love you.
Awesome post! Moving! Poignant! True!
Awesome post!!! Poignant! True!
Many people come into our lives, we have an opportunity to show them the love of Christ. Thank you Bianca for sharing this very bold blog. I believe that unbelievers need to “see” the love of God in us before they will listen and accept our words about God.
I led on a camp recently. A christian camp where kids from grade 3-6 come for a week to hang out. Most of them are minister’s kids or missionaries kids. I clicked immediately with another leader and we ended up talking on the way to band practice on the other side of the campsite.
Turns out, he’s gay.
His dad works for a mission organisation.
And his dad pretends to know nothing. That his son will be fixed.
And I’m struggling with this. He knows that his sexuality isnt his identity – that Christ is, but he also knows that being gay is something he didnt choose.
he loves doing ministry.
I just don’t know.
You are aware that you have accidentally shared your friend’s name in your post Bianca? Just thought you might like to know 🙂 I have no other comment at this stage!