I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Don’t date, just court. Wait until God brings you “the One.” Holding hands leads to sex.
I’m a bit leery of blanket statements, how-to books, and generalities. What happens is we hear how one way of dating worked for this one amazing person and expect the same outcome for ourselves. We do the same things in the same order the same way, yet garnish different outcomes. As a result, we become disillusioned, marginalized, guilty, or worse, give up entirely.
The youth pastor I served under made it very clear about the standard for the leaders. Since I worked closely under him, I was expected to follow his standards by the example he set. He was gracious and loving, yet strong and determined to not let anyone falter into sin as he once did in his “B.C. days” (the Christianese phrase used to describe your life before Christ).
However, our levels of temptation were different and my convictions weren’t nearly as tightly wound as his. But, because he was my leader and I respected him greatly, I vowed to keep away from boys like they were the plague. If I didn’t receive a handwritten note from God indicating a particular guy was “the one,” I wouldn’t as much as engage in conversation. If there wasn’t divine writing in the sky, I wouldn’t talk to a guy for more than a few minutes. If seas didn’t part, water turn into blood, or manna fall from heaven, I would assume it was a Satanic ploy to stumble me in my righteous living.
The very thought of a invitation to coffee was anathema! I might be hurt if I like him and he doesn’t like me. He might think I’m his Proverbs 31 woman. He might ask me out again. Might, might, might. Maybe, maybe, maybe. We become paralyzed by fear and inactive in the plan God may have orchestrated.
This week I was asked if being asked out to coffee was a date. I get this question often so I am reposting an older vlog I did about a year ago. Forgive me in advance for sounding like a bumbling fool.
What has or hasn’t worked for you? What tips can you give? Share the goods 🙂
I am so glad I am not single anymore. Looking back I can agree with you on how what works for one will not always work for the next. I had a few heartbreaks along the road and sins to get passed. When I first went to CCM, I had been single for about 4 years and this guy from church came up to me and said I was the one. He was a godly fellow so I said we can get to know each other. Two weeks later he changed his mind…
I was watching my hubby as he was in bed last night and thinking how noble, loyal, hardworking, God fearing man he was…he is the real deal! These are virtues that came out of him when we lost a home, when he invited my granny to live with us a year before she died, and how he deals with my PMS. He does not make big bucks, does not have higher learning and yet so wise. Even as I write I cry because I am such a nut case and he chose to spend his life with me.
Singles, praying for you!
Love it. reminds God's people to never put God in a box =] (im preaching to myself here) HA!
Bianca, I loved what you had to say about the coffee date. I am so much like you in the sense that I too freak out at the thought of a coffee date. I have really cut myself off from dating because my last experience with someone from our church was not a good one. Thank you for the insight, maybe someday I too will have a relationship with someone other than Jesus.
sometimes you need the coffee date. sometimes you need the dinner date. Take it easy and get to know those that come across your path in life. you just never know, maybe it will turn into marriage, or maybe it will turn into an amazing friendship that you need in your life at that moment.
I totally agree. Also, sometimes is just doesn't work out – ya don't feel it – and that's ok , too. Just keep high standards and stick to your core values. Also, I know this sounds 1950's, but the guy should treat to the coffee, drinks, dinner, etc. And open the door for you. 🙂
I love you. I love Matt. I love this story. And I agree it's just coffee.
I'm so happy your coffee date turned into marriage!!! It gives me hope, but I definitely don't think one size fits all when it comes to finding your life mate! I'm like Bridget Jones when it comes to dating – everything is just wrong… but prayerfully my Mr. Darcy will appear soon! haha As of today, I'm 30 (Go Dana it's your birthday!!!) with no prospects but lots of excitement, hope, and expectation for a great dating, courting, and bride-to-be future!!! 😉
So….if it's just coffee, is it okay for the woman to ask a guy to coffee?
liz…if you are interested in this guy because you want a relationship then i would advise you to back off, let him take the initiative. if you just want to get to know him (as a potential friend) then go ahead and ask him. i personally would either invite some other friends to come as well or clear the air in advance and just tell him that it´s just coffe and nothing more (you wouldn´t want him to get a wrong impression 🙂 ):
Liz I agree with Daphne. The man should initiate if he is interested but if you want to hang out with him have other people around and get to know him. If the man is nice to you he doesn’t like you until he says so. We women read into things way too much.
🙂 Thanks guys for the advice. I wasn't really going to be bold and ask a guy out, but I did want to know some thoughts on the matter 🙂 I definitely believe that men should be the ones to take initiative when it comes to dating!
I'm actually dealing with this now… This whole year was a bomb to me because of a guy that I "Thought" or well actually a few guys lol! That i thought was the one… And Each time my Love for God grow so strong.. I was always reminded by him… Amanda I will never do that to you. I would never put you in that type of situation. I would never disappoint you. I just kept hearing all the things he would never do. So now When a guy comes in i remember all the things God would not do to me.. That man has to know God to get to know me. Why? Because God knows every hair on my head. He knows everything so he know Exactly who he wants me with.. Advice that i was given that i am now sharing as a Single person. Take that time to grow, strengthen and have a relationship with God. And He will them bless you with the relationships on your path.. May it be friends, family, marriage. You can't love them if you can't fully love and accept God..
Peace and Grace
totally and completely agree!
I remember being asked to go out for coffee by someone I had (yes I admit) been flirting with. Just fun flirting. But when the coffee invitation was offered, I back pedalled FAST. Oh, no, I thought, this is serious! But you know, sometimes coffee is just coffee.
dont make blanket rules, the bible is the only standard, not our ideas..i was led astray, while good intention, the bad advice basically ruined my relationship..(with God's permissive will of course) but the person who gave it to me is married and im not. God does in your life may be different in others, same God, different people.
Thanks for posting this. I would definitely categorize myself as one who 'sucks at dating' because, honestly, I haven't been on many dates. If someone were to ask me to coffee, I would guess that my reaction would be similar to yours (long email, high levels of anxiety, etc)
The Lord gave me the word "chill" in regards to the area of relationships. I need to chill out. It's just coffee!! 😉
I LOVE the pop-up comments on you Vlog…cute!
ohhh…. okay see I dont think it's ever JUST coffee.
Loved the story of you and your future husband. And even more so that he didn't freak out by your long email, but took it in stride. Solid man!
This is just what i needed! Thank you so much for writing/vblog about this subject!
Hey, I just hopped over to your site via StumbleUpon. Not somthing I would usually browse, but I appreciated your views none the less. Thanks for creating something worthy of reading.. Hello webmaster I like your post. 🙂 pleasing awesome.
I recently turned down a coffee date with a new guy who recently started attending my church because frankly I wasn't interested in him or a "friendship" with him. (Acquaintance is fine though). Usually I play the "your not my type, I'm seeing someone else, I'm really busy, or not interested body language" cards but since it's church and everyone knows everyone's business I can't/don't want to lie or appear to have a double standard. Because I would totally go get coffee with someone I wanted to be friends with or even liked.
What do you do in those situations when someone from church asks you for a coffee date, etc. and you don't want to go? Not even as friends?
Very nice site!
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